September 9, 2010
I was married once, to my college sweetheart. He was charming, adorable, spoke several languages, windsurfed, loved so many things that I loved too. It's been 10 years now, since we parted in a horrible way that I wish on no one. It didn't even make sense. It was wild, crazy and unimaginable for both of us. I think about this person at least once a week, if not more, to this day. No matter how hard I try, he is still with me, as if he was a true family member that I think of from time to time, wondering how he is doing, just as I wonder how my friends and family are each day. Via the bizarre world of social media, I have managed to find out where he lives, who he lives with and that he still windsurfs and eats chocolate. I've even heard some of the music he has listened to. Who knows if he has seen any of my paintings online, or my kids or anything I do now, but obviously if he was interested in knowing, it would be easy enough to find these things online. I don't really seek him out anymore, but now I just wonder if we will ever bump into each other someday, and what in the world would I even say to him now.
Once in a while, I think we just want to share our true feelings about things with the world, whether it's right or not. We want to be heard and acknowledged. I want to let out the pain that I still feel from losing my friend, and just say how much it stinks.... How much I miss this friend. I think of my childhood friend's mother, who lost her only son in an airplane crash. I think of how much she must still hurt every day, and yet she has to go on. She has many grandchildren now, and I know they keep her occupied. I have wonderful children myself that give me so much to do, and love. Yet I still miss my old friend so very much. It is an impossible and frustrating pain to have to deal with. Ten years of my life with someone that I really loved, and then it just went "poof", and he was gone.... never to be seen again, except in a few images online... a few blog posts. A blog by his girlfriend, that I couldn't bear to read.
I have been working on moving on for a long time, and I do my best every day, but I am not immune to the pain of my past. A simple picture or a song or even a word can bring me to tears once every few months. This was the best friend I'd ever had, and I haven't had that closeness in my life since. I haven't been able to let love into my life again yet in that capacity, except for in my painting. When I paint something that I love, I give it my all. I give it my care, and my time, and all my compassion. My heart goes into my work now, and my kids, and my friends. I miss my husband very much, but I am still hoping to grasp the art of moving on, and find the magic I once had with my old friend again, perhaps in a new place, or in a moment when my sons are giggling.... my dog is wagging, or my paintings are selling. It's all good, but it's not the same as what I had, ten years ago.
Missing my old friend, and wishing him all the best.